MEDFORD, MA – Bedraggled addicts fresh off a night of butt hash were treated to an impromptu press conference outside the local Diary Mart this morning as Grooved Shoulder officially announced it’s latest jihad.
Not against western culture (we’ve already done that) but rather presidential candidates, past and present, who utilize oversized sandwiches to convey a phony message of commonality between themselves and voters.
Certainly jihad was never a true intention of ours but more a last resort.
Consider it a decisive last stand against the desperate politicos who shamefully pursue the Hoagie Vote, a key demographic comprised of middle to lower class, non-educated individuals known for associating leadership with large sandwiches.
Deem it a do-or-die battle versus glutonous cretins who relish in the phony notion that they, akin to all genuine Americans, eat like shit.
Regard it as a classic struggle to achieve one goal and one goal only; to dethrone strategists who feel deep-throating a french baguette can woo voters and win elections–regardless of whether it’s stuffed with the most sensual of all the salt-cured meats.
Our jihad obviously will lack any further details in order to preserve the sanctity of our endeavor. But like all jihads, just mentioning that one exists is effective enough to ruffle feathers.
Until the United States addresses a tangible “hoagie reform” plan to examine why candidates and voters alike identify leadership through the public consumption of processed meat, we will not rest.
We will stay and fight.
