Zombie Rave Divides Town

WOBURN, MA -  Suburban teen Zombies awoke this morning to townspeople bent on outlawing their undead, all-night disco parties.

ICU “Fishing” Prank Deplored

MEDFORD, MA – An accredited hospital and at least one of its employees are in hot water this morning after intensive care security cameras caught staff members toying with a patient still under general anesthesia.

Hideki Irabu, a nurse at Medford’s Larry Memorial Hospital was formally charged today with harassment after patient Clyde Pezzotta woke to a violent tug-of-war struggle between his mouth and an unknown object.

Fanning Embryo to Star in Film

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following in the footsteps of fully developed actress sisters Elle and Dakota, the embryo of an unborn, unnamed Fanning child has officially signed on to star in its own feature film, Lions Gate studio representatives announced today.

The contract, worth an estimated $3 million, would make the Fanning embryo the world’s highest paid non-living entity, eclispsing only actress Katherine Heigl in that category.

Dakota, only 14, has quickly become a Hollywood mainstay, appearing in such hits as I am Sam, War of the Worlds and Charlotte’s Web.

Elle, 10, starred in 2002′s Daddy Day Care.

Camel Rapes Plaguing War?

WASHINGTON, DC  -  A news conference originally intended to highlight the Iraq War’s most promising prognosis in nearly 60 months instead was overshadowed today by disturbing allegations of troop misconduct.

Responding to the leak of several photos which depict widespread camel rape amongst U.S. troops, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates dismissed the chilling indictments as “al-Sadr-like propaganda,” but stopped short of calling the molestations nonexistent when pressed further by reporters.

Gates cryptically acknowledged several “rogue incidents” involving “lonely heroes,” but otherwise avoided specific questioning in regards to whether those events culminated in the rape of the desert dwelling beasts.

Bill Ripken: “I AM a Fuck Face”

Former Baltimore Oriole second baseman Billy Ripken, who in 1988 historically teamed with brother, Cal Ripken Jr. and father, Cal Ripken Sr., officially confessed today that after twenty years removed from the game, he finally can admit to being, as his famous baseball card depicts, a Fuck Face.

Ripken’s 1989 Fleer baseball card became one of the most sought-after collectables in history when, unbeknownst to him, teammates inscribed the words “Fuck Face” to the bottom of his bat just as he was to appear for the card maker’s photo shoot.

Bjorks Behaving Badly

Before we begin, let’s get one thing straight in regards to “assaulting” someone. There are assaults and then there are assaults.

The former more often than not is your standard, ferverless altercation. The latter involves an all-out passion to destroy.

We need not lecture Bjork on the differences between the two. Like a lion protecting its cubs, her 1996 attack on a British reporter will forever entrench itself in our hearts.

Now some twelve years later, she’s at it again!

I Now Pronounce You Incestual

In what must have fans of the classic 1980′s pornographic movie series Taboo scrambling for an unused tissue, a British Parliament member on Friday divulged knowledge of a couple who discovered after they had married that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families.

It’s a wild story, even for Grooved Shoulder’s standards but an educational one none the less, chalk full of life lessons.

The most important being that everyone makes mistakes. 

IKEA to Now Offer Cars

In what some manufacturers are calling the dawn of a new automotive era, Dutch retail gaint IKEA will now offer customers the opportunity to purchase an ultra-affordable new car from its retail stores and catalogue.

David Spade Breaks Wrists; Beach Blanket Bingo Remake on Hold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOS ANGELES, CA – New Line Cinemas yesterday announced they have indefinitely postponed filming the remake of Annette Funicello & Frankie Avalon’s classic “Beach Blanket Bingo” after star David Spade broke both his wrists during an off camera Slap Game contest with co-star Michael Clarke Duncan (playing a tanner, more muscular Avalon).

Spade (channeling his inner-Funicello) crumbled to the sand in pain Monday just as Duncan connected with a double-handed slap that film extras say sounded similar to “breaking a handful of twigs in half”.

Spade was examined by medical personnel at the scene before storming off the set, visibly emotional and groggy after being administered an unknown pain medication. 

Bush Launches Caging Act

WASHINGTON, DC  - A noticeably weathered President George W Bush today announced the immediate launch of the Widow Caging Act, a ”surprise policy” designed to eradicate what he called an “epidemic of elderly widows who continue to hoard our most prized real estate.”