WOBURN, MA - Suburban teen Zombies awoke this morning to townspeople bent on outlawing their undead, all-night disco parties.
In what has rocked this quaint New England town to its very core, town police today issued a statement promising to crack down on Zombie-infested dance parties, warning crowd members that Zombie gatherings of ten or more, although now legal in some parts of Massachusetts, remains outlawed in Woburn.
Following the declaration humans and Zombies clashed in the town square, setting off a bitter battle of equality which now threatens a fifteen year peace treaty between the two groups.
Dozens of Zombie elders lined city streets to protest the harsh sanctions set forth on their children while their human counterparts yelled scathing obscenities and held hand-written signs like “Destroy all Zombie embryos,” albeit from a safe distance.
Gruglglar Grgrgr, a 28 year old Zombie youth born and raised in Woburn, sees the protests as right of passage for Zombie children too young to recall the curfews, segregation or 1972’s landmark Zombie Meal Tax many of their forefathers struggled with daily.
“This is not 20 years ago. They can’t shut down our parties, they can’t stop us from hanging out and they can not stop us from eating their brains—-just kidding,” said a chuckling Grgrgr.
Indeed the times they are a-changin’.
Once known for their mindless, blood-thirsty ways, today’s Zombie brain operates in a similar fashion to those of most humans, thanks to 1980’s United Zombie College Fund which has educated over 375,000 Zombies since its inception.
But to most townspeople, a Zombie will always be a Zombie.
Esther Fee, a 67 years old human councilwoman from Woburn remembers the good ole’ days when Zombies acceptingly ate in seperate restaurants, adhered to nighttime curfews and when heavily sedated to curb their flesh-eating tendencies, made for adequate landscapers.
“Look, the fact of the matter is that those things over there (pointing to a protesting Zombie) aren’t like me and never will be like me,” said Fee.
“I’ve always said they’re great at helping out, mowing lawns, cleaning trash, but deep down you just can’t trust them,” she continued.
“If they could just stay out of our way, we wouldn’t have these issues.”
