Zombie Delegate Bites Obama!

AUSTIN, TX – Barrack Obama’s future as a viable presidential candidate is in jeopardy tonight following a blatant Zombie attack that has many weary he may be infected with Zombie antibodies and turn “undead” within days.

While greeting supporters Monday in Austin, Obama was gruesomely bitten on the neck by an African American Zombie posing as a delegate from Texas, effectively bringing his campaign to a screeching halt.

McCain Sneezing Away Election?

Unless you’re Miss South Carolina or dead, odds are you know that John McCain’s presidential campaign has sputtered ever since camera’s caught the Arizona Senator mid-sneeze during a late December interview.

With over 67% of a recent CNN poll deeming the act of sneezing as “weak,” McCain must now look to both the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries as a means to pick up some much-needed momentum.

Meat(Balls) Deep

 

MEDFORD, MA – Bedraggled addicts fresh off a night of butt hash were treated to an impromptu press conference outside the local Diary Mart this morning as Grooved Shoulder officially announced it’s latest jihad.

Not against western culture (we’ve already done that) but rather presidential candidates, past and present, who utilize oversized sandwiches to convey a phony message of commonality between themselves and voters.

Romney Hot for Reagan?

BOSTON, MA   -  Following up on an exclusive story first brought to you by Grooved Shoulder, embroiled presidential hopeful Mitt Romney continues to baffle supporters by remaining silent amidst allegations of having an “awkward fascination” with former U.S. President, Ronald Reagan.

On Monday, Romney spokesman Eric Ferhnstrom denied the claim as “completely false and stupid”, describing Mitt’s interest in Reagan only as a “routine admiration that is not sexually motivated in any manner”. 

But according to sources close to Grooved Shoulder and the former governor, Romney didn’t just “like” Reagan, he “like-liked“ him.