AWOL Garnett Captured in China

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett, on the run from NBA investigators for weeks since being suspended for “sadness detrimental to the team,” was finally captured Tuesday in China.

Garnett’s inability to embrace winning, as first reported by Grooved Shoulder, sent the all-star into a tailspin, triggering him to flee the country. 

NBA Abruptly Cancels “Little People” Game

NEW ORLEANS, LA – Long considered a fixture of All-Star Weekend festivities, the National Basketball Association has discontinued its annual “Little People” Hoop Scrimmage, Commissioner David Stern announced on Friday.

Faced with increased pressure from ACLU protesters, Stern expressed regret in cancelling the event from it’s Saturday night program.

Garnett Suspended For Sadness?

BOSTON, MA – Publically team officials have called it a abdominal injury, but according to Grooved Shoulder sources, Kevin Garnett’s departure from the Celtics lineup has less to do with the all-star forward’s physical woes but rather an awkward case of hurt feelings.

A fellow Celtic who chose not be named claims that Garnett, long accustomed to losing as part of a mediocre, underachieving Minnesota Timberwolves franchise, oft times feels sad for opponents, crying when the Celtics win by large margins.

Giants Coach in ICU After Fire

Tom Coughlin is in critical condition this evening after suffering third degree burns to his face and chest following a vicious sideline attack by a player from his own team.

Giants placekicker Lawrence Tynes (#9) was arrested moments after the Super Bowl’s conclusion, accused of lighting the New York head coach’s jacket on fire in protest of being used sparingly during Sunday’s game.

Giants personnel rushed to aid Coughlin, engulfed in flames, by emptying a 20-gallon cooler of water on the coach.

Fellatio Mars NY Super Bowl Win

GLENDALE, Ariz. - Possibly one of the biggest upsets in professional footbal history was overshadowed Sunday by inappropriate sexual behavior, forever tarnishing an otherwise miraculous New York Giant Super Bowl XLII victory.

As the game’s final seconds ticked down, cameras shockingly caught NY Gaints receiver David Tyree giving quarterback Eli Manning celebratory fellatio.

Fellow Giant teammates could only stand back and watch as Tyree showed Manning the ultimate appreciation for leading the franchise to its first championship in almost 20 years.

The live sex act, seen by millions throughout the world, caused FOX television to become besieged with calls from angry, disgusted viewers shocked by the image.  

FOX  issued an apology for the incident, blaming the telecast snafu on producers who believed Tyree was only interested in monitoring the potential severity of Manning’s injured groin.  

Bill Ripken: “I AM a Fuck Face”

Former Baltimore Oriole second baseman Billy Ripken, who in 1988 historically teamed with brother, Cal Ripken Jr. and father, Cal Ripken Sr., officially confessed today that after twenty years removed from the game, he finally can admit to being, as his famous baseball card depicts, a Fuck Face.

Ripken’s 1989 Fleer baseball card became one of the most sought-after collectables in history when, unbeknownst to him, teammates inscribed the words “Fuck Face” to the bottom of his bat just as he was to appear for the card maker’s photo shoot.

Three of a Kind

    

           Bogs Diamond           Jeff Garcia           Mark Shapiro

BOSTON, MA  -  In one gleaming moment during Game 7 of the American League Championship Series between the Indians and Red Sox, Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro forever solidified his place in history.