Mensa to Accept “Gleekers”

Mensa, the world’s oldest and most famous high-IQ society, announced today it will expand membership qualifications to now include individuals who possess the rare ability to “gleek.”

“Gleeking,” which occurs when saliva is propelled out of the mouth in a stream, is widely considered a natural talent nearly impossible to learn.

Camel Rapes Plaguing War?

WASHINGTON, DC  -  A news conference originally intended to highlight the Iraq War’s most promising prognosis in nearly 60 months instead was overshadowed today by disturbing allegations of troop misconduct.

Responding to the leak of several photos which depict widespread camel rape amongst U.S. troops, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates dismissed the chilling indictments as “al-Sadr-like propaganda,” but stopped short of calling the molestations nonexistent when pressed further by reporters.

Gates cryptically acknowledged several “rogue incidents” involving “lonely heroes,” but otherwise avoided specific questioning in regards to whether those events culminated in the rape of the desert dwelling beasts.

IKEA to Now Offer Cars

In what some manufacturers are calling the dawn of a new automotive era, Dutch retail gaint IKEA will now offer customers the opportunity to purchase an ultra-affordable new car from its retail stores and catalogue.