LOS ANGELES, CA – Just weeks after securing the contractual rights to a still underdeveloped, yet destined to be famous Fanning embryo, Grooved Shoulder has learned that Lions Gate Film Studio is now on the verge of subtracting a member of the gifted acting family from future projects.

After scandalous pictures surfaced on the internet last week depicting child actress Elle Fanning, 10, as a brainless fetus in fetu-like parasitic twin living off fellow actress and sister Dakota’s “host” body, Lions Gate executives are prepared to terminate her contract with the studio as soon as Tuesday.

Parasitic twins occur when a twin embryo begins developing in utero, but the pair does not fully separate. Usually, one embryo maintains dominant development at the expense of the other.

“Undeveloped twin’s like Elle are defined as parasitic because they are incompletely formed or wholly dependent on the body functions of the complete fetus–hence they grow so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene,” says Dr. Robert Connolly, a reproductive endocrinologist who did not treat the star.

In response to the rumors, Fanning representatives have threatened legal action against the studio, condeming Lions Gate as “reinforcing outrageously false and cruel lies against a minor.”

Insiders, however, see it different.

“With Elle, the lights are on but nobody’s home,” says a acting pal. “Anyone who’s taken the time to run lines with her knows she’s a glorified tick.”

“She’s literally sucked the life out of Dakota for years, so I’m glad it’s finally come to light.”

What makes the Fanning case even more intriguing is that if Elle, 10, is indeed a paracitic twin, it would make her the same age as her sister Dakota, 14.

“If they did their homework on Elle they would have learned that only months prior to signing she’d just been carved away from her sister’s body,” said a source close to both sisters.

“Lions Gate only saw green with Elle, so it’s their own damn fault.”

Just days after peddling exclusive “first look” photos of her twins to People magazine and OK! for $6 million, Jennifer Lopez yesterday sold pictures of her uterine cavity to Grooved Shoulder in exchange for $300 and two Maine lobsters.

The uterine cavity is the space inside the uterus between the cervical canal and the Fallopian tubes of a female.

According to gynecologist Dr. Jason Ford, J-Lo’s superior cavity is just as gorgeous and healthy as her buxom bottom.

“It’s simply the sexiest, cleanest endometrium I’ve ever seen,” said, Ford, who did not treat the singer.

AUSTIN, TX – Barrack Obama’s future as a viable presidential candidate is in jeopardy tonight following a blatant Zombie attack that has many weary he may be infected with Zombie antibodies and turn “undead” within days.

While greeting supporters Monday in Austin, Obama was gruesomely bitten on the neck by an African American Zombie posing as a delegate from Texas, effectively bringing his campaign to a screeching halt.

Sequestered indefinitely to receive around-the-clock blood transfusions, Obama’s chances at wrapping up the Democratic nomination next week have now become much harder.  

With the Texas primary set for March 4, the timing couldn’t be worse for the junior senator from Illinois and current frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, who’s momentum was at an all-time high prior to the attack.

Texas voters, who in recent years have become more racially progressive in comparison to their bigoted predecessors, must now decide whether it may be too soon to support a black candidate who ALSO may have Zombie blood running through his veins.

And more importantly, it’s given Hillary Clinton a new lease on life.

Just moments after Obama’s attack the New York Senator borrowed $10 million from her personal bank account to fund emergency campaign funds into the state, well aware the race had changed and once again was up for grabs.

While at a campaign stop in Austin early on Tuesday, Clinton didn’t mince words in reaction to Obama’s plight.

“I could stand here before you and say ‘Let’s just treat everyone the same, let’s get unified, the sky will open, the light will come down, celestial choirs will be singing and everyone will know we should do the right thing and the world will be perfect,’ ” she said, reaction to potentially electing a Zombie as President.

“But the reality is that you can’t place trust in a man who eventually will knock on your door, rip your child’s intestines out, eat them, stick the leftovers on their head, wear them for a week, throw them away and then turn to you and do the same.”

“Do you want that?!” she screamed.

Mensa

“Gleeking,” which occurs when saliva is propelled out of the mouth in a stream, is widely considered a natural talent nearly impossible to learn.

Long an exclusive club strictly for those who’ve attained a score within the upper two percent of the general population on an approved intelligence test, the decision by Mensa to embrace “gleekers” marks an long-overdue shift in its philosophy.

“Superior submandibular glands, albeit not as sexy as a 130 IQ, excites us very much,” Mensa Director Pratt Fayle said in a statement describing the rare skill.

“Mensa sees the act as more than just spitting,” he continued.

Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett, on the run from NBA investigators for weeks since being suspended for “sadness detrimental to the team,” was finally captured Tuesday in China.

Garnett’s inability to embrace winning, as first reported by Grooved Shoulder, sent the all-star into a tailspin, triggering him to flee the country. 

According to sources close to the team, Garnett fled to Shanghai in hopes of comforting the family of Milwaukee Bucks forward Yi Jianlian, whose son’s team lost to the Celtics 104-82 back in December and is currenly last in the Central Division at 18-34.

Shanghai newpaper 使者 reported early Tuesday that Garnett, unable to communicate his feelings with no real knowledge of the Chinese language, paced outside the Jianlian residence for nearly two hours before the family alerted authorities of a crazed seven-foot African man who appeared to be disoriented.

Celtics officials, following Garnett’s capture, refrained from commenting as to when or if the forward would rejoin the team.

NEW YORK, NY – Invesigators are actively seeking a prankster responsible for hanging a fake skeleton outside the residence of actress Michelle Williams last week, NYPD representatives announced on Monday.   

Police believe the skeleton is a ”disturbing reference” to the recent death of actor Heath Ledger, Williams’ former lover and father to their 20 month old baby. The couple split in 2007.

Ledger died on January 22, 2008 from an accidental overdose of prescription medication.

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter (R) is at it again.

Just weeks removed from demanding an inquiry into whether the NFL’s New England Patriots destroyed      key evidence amidst allegations of cheating, Specter today asked Congress to launch an investigation into the legitimacy of Herbie Hancock’s album of the year win at last Sunday’s Grammy Awards.

Reemphasizing the genre of jazz as “devil music,” Specter stood before Washington’s Capitol Building to address his reasoning behind yet another probe request. 

“As someone who loves America and popular music, I’d like to know why the Grammy’s chose to instead reward a genre which originated from witches and refugees,” said Specter, referring to jazz’s perception throughout the early 1900′s as music spawned from “the devil.”

Hancock’s “River: The Joni Letters,” an all-star tribute to Canadian singer/songwriter Joni Mitchell was a surprise winner the 50th annual Grammy’s, beating out nominees Vince Gill, Amy Winehouse, Foo Fighters and Kanye West for the genre’s first “best album” in 43 years.  

“And let’s be honest,” he continued, “history will not soon forget the devisiveness Joni Mitchell caused amongst the youth of this great country during the Vietnam War.” 

Critics however, see Specter’s compulsive requests for Congressional inquiries as just another illusion in the senior senator’s long career.

“This is the same man who in 1980 demanded an inquiry to explain why the Writers Guild of America could allowed J.R. (from the popular American tv series Dallas) to be shot,” said Constance Gaeta, Vice President of Gaeta Communications, a media consulting firm based in Los Angeles.

“This is the same man who in 1987 demanded ABC cancel its series Growing Pains after becoming aware that character Richard Stabone was commonly referred to as “boner.” 

Faced with increased pressure from ACLU protesters, Stern expressed regret in cancelling the event from it’s Saturday night program.

“I think we may have extended its (the game’s) shelf-life a few years too many” said a smiling Stern.

“Let’s face it, times have changed, but the memories and belly laughs of those little buggers ‘posting up,’ trying to score will last a lifetime,” he continued.

Acting as a virtual breeding ground for vaginal nicknames, the Vajay-Jay Awards have become America ‘s delightfully dirty little secret, responsible for introducing the world to some of the more contemporary ”muff words” imaginable.

Sunday’s telecast, backed by dozens of celebrity attendees anxious to hear the next “it” word, never once disappointed, excelling yet again in its mission to honor exceptional achievement in vaginal profanity.

When we last departed Hollywood’s Kodak Theater, Twatwaffle, 2007′s Academy darling, took the world by storm following its win for Best Vaginal Swear Paired with a Breakfast Food.

In addition to spawning the indie film “Twatwaffle” starring Christina Ricci, which grossed over $120 million nationwide, the word became even more a phenomenon after actress Jane Fonda used it to insult The View’s Joy Behar as the two bickered over America ‘s role in Iraq .

But that was last year, and well, to join in on the festivities, a lot of fish tacos can be devoured in 365 days.

And they were.

2008′s program began on an elegant, yet humdrum note, as its first group of awards were also the most predictable.

Muffsmooch, with no real competition in its path, easily captured Best Swear Paired with a Cute, Intransitive Verb.

Douchenozzle again, surprised nobody, taking home the award for Best Vulgar Hygiene Swear over an inexperienced Tyrannodoucheosaurus while Clitdick won Best Southern Swear for a record sixth year in a row.

But as the program wore on, it became more and more apparent the night belonged to Cuntloaf.

After beating upstarts Cuntbubble, Buttercunt and Cunt-tard in a competitive Best C-Word category, Cuntloaf went on to snag consecutive victories for Best Swear Paired with a Carbohydrate as well as Best Swear to Incite a Melee.

One of the night’s bigger shockers came late in the show as Academy voters awarded Biggest Celebrity CuntBag to Tyra Banks for donning a “fat suit” earlier in the year. Going into the evening, many thought she would instead be celebrated for her contribution to the industry.

Otherwise, the glorious, successful evening concluded with Meat Wallet corronated as Best Future Innuendo for a Vajay-jay, beating out Fly Catcher, Stench Trench, Hatchet Wound and Loose Meat Sandwich in an online e-vote by fans watching at home.

Club security crew struggled to separate a noticeably tipsy, drooling Affleck from two different photographers at 2:34 A.M. before calling police when the situation was deemed unresolveable.

Affleck, possibly the youngest Hollywood “it” girl ever, was arrested and booked on charges of assault.

She was later released on $25,000 cash bail.

A hearing has been set for March.