Fanning in Fetu?

LOS ANGELES, CA – Just weeks after securing the contractual rights to a still underdeveloped, yet destined to be famous Fanning embryo, Grooved Shoulder has learned that Lions Gate Film Studio is now on the verge of subtracting a member of the gifted acting family from future projects.

After scandalous pictures surfaced on the internet last week depicting child actress Elle Fanning, 10, as a brainless fetus in fetu-like parasitic twin living off fellow actress and sister Dakota’s “host” body, Lions Gate executives are prepared to terminate her contract with the studio as soon as Tuesday.

J-Lo Sells Uterine Cavity Photos

Just days after peddling exclusive “first look” photos of her twins to People magazine and OK! for $6 million, Jennifer Lopez yesterday sold pictures of her uterine cavity to Grooved Shoulder in exchange for $300 and two Maine lobsters.

Zombie Delegate Bites Obama!

AUSTIN, TX – Barrack Obama’s future as a viable presidential candidate is in jeopardy tonight following a blatant Zombie attack that has many weary he may be infected with Zombie antibodies and turn “undead” within days.

While greeting supporters Monday in Austin, Obama was gruesomely bitten on the neck by an African American Zombie posing as a delegate from Texas, effectively bringing his campaign to a screeching halt.

Mensa to Accept “Gleekers”

Mensa, the world’s oldest and most famous high-IQ society, announced today it will expand membership qualifications to now include individuals who possess the rare ability to “gleek.”

“Gleeking,” which occurs when saliva is propelled out of the mouth in a stream, is widely considered a natural talent nearly impossible to learn.

AWOL Garnett Captured in China

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett, on the run from NBA investigators for weeks since being suspended for “sadness detrimental to the team,” was finally captured Tuesday in China.

Garnett’s inability to embrace winning, as first reported by Grooved Shoulder, sent the all-star into a tailspin, triggering him to flee the country. 

Ledger Prank Goes Too Far

NEW YORK, NY – Invesigators are actively seeking a prankster responsible for hanging a fake skeleton outside the residence of actress Michelle Williams last week, NYPD representatives announced on Monday.   

Police believe the skeleton is a “disturbing reference” to the recent death of actor Heath Ledger, Williams’ former lover and father to their 20 month old baby. The couple split in 2007.

Ledger died on January 22, 2008 from an accidental overdose of prescription medication.

Specter Demands Inquiry Into Grammy Win

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter (R) is at it again.

Just weeks removed from demanding an inquiry into whether the NFL’s New England Patriots destroyed      key evidence amidst allegations of cheating, Specter today asked Congress to launch an investigation into the legitimacy of Herbie Hancock’s album of the year win at last Sunday’s Grammy Awards.

NBA Abruptly Cancels “Little People” Game

NEW ORLEANS, LA – Long considered a fixture of All-Star Weekend festivities, the National Basketball Association has discontinued its annual “Little People” Hoop Scrimmage, Commissioner David Stern announced on Friday.

Faced with increased pressure from ACLU protesters, Stern expressed regret in cancelling the event from it’s Saturday night program.

Cuntloaf Wins Big at Vajay-Jay Awards

LOS ANGELES, CA – If we learned anything from Sunday’s 5th annual Vajay-Jay Awards, it’s that the power “to offend” remains refreshingly innovative and odorous as ever.

Acting as a virtual breeding ground for vaginal nicknames, the Vajay-Jay Awards have become America ‘s delightfully dirty little secret, responsible for introducing the world to some of the more contemporary “muff words” imaginable.

Affleck Child Attacks Paparazzi

LOS ANGELES, CA – Paparazzi looking to snap a quick picture of Violet Affleck received a wake up call of sorts early on Tuesday morning after the 16-month old daughter of star’s Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner attacked a pair of photographers outside LA nightclub Le Deux.